Because the picture is taken by a fancy camera.
A very fancy camera that I would NEVER have bought for myself even though I LOVE taking pictures and videos. And in fact I didn't buy it - I won it.
There was a Facebook competition for people to share their wellbeing tips and a friend tagged me to join in. So I shared my favourite wellbeing tip (it's at the bottom) and a few days later I found out I'd won the draw for the top prize. This amazing camera.
And that's where the problems started.
Straight away I got this wave of shame. Like a sick feeling in my gut and a whole backstory I hadn't heard in while. Maybe you have something similar - for me it goes a bit like this...
- Who are you to get anything without earning it?
- What have you done to deserve it when you've done nothing?
- There's bound to be people worse off than you, who would really appreciate it!
- And definitely people who would make better use of it!
On and on it went, this nasty little voice telling me I wasn't worth it and I was a bad person. It got so bad I was about to turn it down and tell them to give it someone else. But then I got a message saying it had been sent and I felt even worse!
By the time it arrived I could barely even look at the parcel, let alone open it. And when I did, the shame-wave got even bigger. It was way too good for someone like me!
So I put to the side and tried to forget about it. Bit it seemed to glare at me every time I walked in the room as if it was saying YOU'RE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. It was getting ridiculous and again I was ready to send it back.
Then I had a chat with someone I'm coaching about this feeling of having to work hard for things. For me it goes back to this Protestant ethic and having to 'earn' your place in heaven through work. And here was me getting a slice of heaven in camera form without doing the work.
It felt awful.
So I decided to see if I could move through this by tapping in to the joy I knew the camera would bring. I took myself off to the beach and took a few tentative snaps, thinking I could always delete them and send the camera back as good as new.
And it... was... wonderful!
When I'm taking pictures I feel very present and in the moment. I tune in to the environment around me. I start noticing the way colours mingle or clash. I look up at the clouds and see the different shapes and textures. I sense beauty all around me and I want to grab a bit of it and share it around so others can see it too. And then when I've got my picture I love studying it and noticing things I didn't even see. As if they've appeared by magic.
(Look again and see if you can spot the bird I didn't see first time).
And through all this I realised I am worthy.
Because it's not the fancy technology and the money it would cost that I'm worthy of.
It's the joy.
I am worthy of my own joy.
So sure it's a yellow kayak on the beach, but it's also something more.
The top tip I shared was an (almost) daily practice that is completely free takes as little as five minutes.
I start most days with a some quite time to set myself up positively in mind, body and soul.
I do some simple stretches and rotations of my joints that a generous person might call yoga and I add a little deep breathing and meditation. Simply sitting and inhaling deep into the belly and allowing my mind to wander while I day dream about how good the day can be.
Even if I have a busy day I try to find five minutes to get in a good place.
And if I can’t or forget, I simply aim to start again tomorrow.
And I always start each day with a chuckle - here's my 1 minute guide to getting your giggle on.
If you'd like to explore how to ditch your unworthiness, let's talk.